Tag: Red Dwarf

Day 1000: How It Ends

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Inside this cubicle the air is thick as honey, with asphyxiating flecks of the mundane bracing against the irrefutable promise of a golden weekend. Outside these pin-cushion partitions – and indeed inside as well – every tiny molecule in the universe is saying its goodbyes to its neighbors and preparing to splash into the unknown permutations of a distant someday. My fingers hammer at these tiny plastic letters, fully ignorant of what’s to come.

Or are they? The hallowed fingers of esteemed science – no doubt similar in size and shape to my own, only tasked with a far more specific purpose – have combed back the hair of the observable now and picked at the scalp-nits of projection. The fields of astronomy, physics, mathematics, and a cabinet full of –ologies have given us a map of what’s to come. A timeline of time’s last hurrah.

And the best part? If any of these predictions are wrong, every record of them will likely be destroyed before anyone finds out. That’s my kind of science.

Genetics-1

Within 10,000 years, human genetic variation will no longer be regionalized. This won’t mean we’ll all look the same – the blonde gene will still speckle crowds and set up offensive jokes, but it will be distributed equally worldwide. This forecasted panmixia is far more optimistic than astrophysicist Brandon Carter’s Doomsday Argument, which places our present at roughly the halfway point of humankind’s civilized journey, and projects a 95% likelihood that we’ll be wholly extinct in 10,000 years.

If global warming hasn’t already soaked us into a Kevin Costner-esque hellscape by then, we may also be facing the melting of the East Antarctic Ice Sheet, which will raise the sea levels by 3 or 4 meters above wherever it will be once we lose the rest of the polar ice caps, which should happen long before then.

Long term forecast: buy a big-ass boat. Read more…

Day 600: A Look At What’s To Come

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Whenever I reach a round number in this all-consuming project I like to look back and reflect on how far I’ve come, or how much volunteer charity work I might have done had I not been spending a couple hours every day writing bacon jokes and references to 1980’s-era sitcoms. But today, as the bejeweled crown of 600 rests its weighty crown-ass upon my trembling hairline, I want to look forward.

As always, my trusty companion – Wikipedia – is here to assist, with a handy timeline of near-future events. Not being a naturally meticulous planner, it’s good to know that someone is looking out for future-me. I’m going to plunk these dates into my iPhone calendar and, like everything that I enter into that app, never look at them again.

After all, I’ve got things to do. I’ve got a life to live. Or, because I’ve come this far and already accepted that I’ll have no time for a life until this project is over, I’ve got 400,000 more words to write.

Here’s what we have to look forward to:

IndependentScotland

–       2014 will be a busy year. The World Trade Center will be completed in New York, US and UK troops will wave goodbye to Afghanistan, and Scotland will hold a referendum on independence from the United Kingdom. If it passes, it will come as a shock to millions of North Americans who already believed Scotland has been its own country for centuries. Read more…