Tag: Ramtha

Day 991: The Subjective Science of Getting Friendly With Your Water


Good morning, water. You look lovely today. The way you have meticulously extracted the energizing essence of those crumbly brown nuggets of Sumatra in my coffee maker really brings out the glimmer in your droplets. Look, I’m a married man, but if I wasn’t, I would totally be gettin’ up in dat aqua, you feel me?

According to Dr. Masaru Emoto, I may have just created a more healthy and vibrant cup of coffee. Dr. Emoto is a revolutionary oracle of scientific knowledge, inasmuch as he has concocted his own definitions of the words “scientific” and “knowledge”. Dr. Emoto has “proven” (and it’s hard to find a source for his work that doesn’t nestle that word between the comforting pillows of quotation marks) that positive energy makes water better.

Not better-tasting, not more nutritious or refreshing… just better. Happier. More wholly fulfilled. Dr. Emoto unearthed that line where metaphysics and alternative medicine cross over into crazed Lynchian fiction, then leaped across it like a doped-up Olympian. He landed among the Technicolor bobbles of the absurd, cultivated his own particular brew of ludicrous reasoning and slapped a price tag on it.

And we bought in. Oh, how we bought in.

How could we not trust that sincere face?

How could we not trust that sincere face?

Masaru Emoto earned his doctorate at the Open University for Alternative Medicine in India, though I feel “earned” should be yet another resident of Quotes-Marks Manor, as I have unearthed a couple of sources which claim that such a degree can be bought for around $500. But Dr. Emoto’s doctorness is relatively moot, as he immediately set out to sail the vague ocean of alternative medicine, which contains far more fetid flotsam than it does navigable current. Read more…

Day 17: Ramtha’s School of Enlightenment And Man-Eating Space-Lizards

Just outside the busy cities of Tacoma and Olympia in the great state of Washington, lies a tiny city called Yelm. Yelm has a population of less than 7000 people, and might well be a cozy small town, bursting with Americana and Mayberry-esque charm, if it wasn’t for the crazy people.

Right outside the Yelm city limits, on an 80-acre compound – sorry, campus, you’ll find Ramtha’s School of Enlightenment. It starts with professional channeller J.Z. Knight (not, as you may have guessed, a producer of rap music, but yes, her middle name is ‘Zebra’).

How could you not trust this face?

After dropping out of business school and moving to Tacoma to find gainful employment in the television industry, Knight was told by a psychic that an Enlightened One would appear to her in the near future. As luck would have it, Ramtha showed up in her trailer one night and spoke to her. I’m sure most of my readers are very familiar with Ramtha, but for the one or two of you who don’t keep up with current events, Ramtha was a Lemurian warrior who battled the Atlanteans over 35,000 years ago. He conquered three quarters of the known world before he was betrayed and defeated. Yes, that Ramtha.

Knight is the sole channeler of Ramtha, and has fortunately used this gift, not to rise to the ranks of super-villain but instead to open up Ramtha’s School of Enlightenment. The school preaches the teachings of this very real and very legitimate being to the lucky few who are accepted (or, whose checks clear). Students strive to learn a variety of useful skills, such as psychokinesis, telepathy, clairvoyance, and I’m going to guess defense against the dark arts.

The school has been called a cult by such skeptical outsiders as Jeff Knight, who was J.Z.’s husband. Former students have launched similar criticisms as well, stating that they were kept loyal at first by fear. Specifically the fear of lizard people, who would fly to earth in a spaceship and devour the unfaithful. I’m not joking, they actually said this. Read more…