Tag: Mount Rushmore

Day 1000: How It Ends


Inside this cubicle the air is thick as honey, with asphyxiating flecks of the mundane bracing against the irrefutable promise of a golden weekend. Outside these pin-cushion partitions – and indeed inside as well – every tiny molecule in the universe is saying its goodbyes to its neighbors and preparing to splash into the unknown permutations of a distant someday. My fingers hammer at these tiny plastic letters, fully ignorant of what’s to come.

Or are they? The hallowed fingers of esteemed science – no doubt similar in size and shape to my own, only tasked with a far more specific purpose – have combed back the hair of the observable now and picked at the scalp-nits of projection. The fields of astronomy, physics, mathematics, and a cabinet full of –ologies have given us a map of what’s to come. A timeline of time’s last hurrah.

And the best part? If any of these predictions are wrong, every record of them will likely be destroyed before anyone finds out. That’s my kind of science.


Within 10,000 years, human genetic variation will no longer be regionalized. This won’t mean we’ll all look the same – the blonde gene will still speckle crowds and set up offensive jokes, but it will be distributed equally worldwide. This forecasted panmixia is far more optimistic than astrophysicist Brandon Carter’s Doomsday Argument, which places our present at roughly the halfway point of humankind’s civilized journey, and projects a 95% likelihood that we’ll be wholly extinct in 10,000 years.

If global warming hasn’t already soaked us into a Kevin Costner-esque hellscape by then, we may also be facing the melting of the East Antarctic Ice Sheet, which will raise the sea levels by 3 or 4 meters above wherever it will be once we lose the rest of the polar ice caps, which should happen long before then.

Long term forecast: buy a big-ass boat. Read more…

Day 800: 100 Movies, 100 Improvements


Some days it’s not easy to drag my sinewy carcass in front of this computer to punch a thousand words in the throat. Some days it’s easier to drown my brain cells in daytime TV, in mindless games or between the sprocket holes of a good movie.

I’m having one of those days.

As such, rather than invent a kilograph of crisp and colorful original content, I’m instead going to do what all noble half-ass inventors do: I’ll take someone else’s hard work and put a clock in it or something to make it my own.

I thought I might review the top 100 films of all time, according to the IMDb top 250 list (which changes periodically, so it might not match up with my list anymore). But while 100 ten-word reviews would propel me to my daily requirement, it would end up with me writing a bunch of variations on “it rocks!”. No fun.

Instead, I’ll be more productive with my time. Here are my ten-word suggestions on how each of these films could be improved for modern audiences. We all know modern crowds are clearly more discriminating and sophisticated, as evidenced by both of Tyler Perry’s 2013 releases generating more box office revenue than 12 Years A Slave. Clearly we know quality.


100. A Separation – More forehead cleavage. Iranian films really chintz out on this.

99. For A Few Dollars More – Mouth CGI so it doesn’t look like rotten dub job.

98. The Third Man – More Orson Welles in the sewer; people love that shit.

97. Some Like It Hot – Tony Curtis had a great rack. What, no full frontal?

96. The Apartment – C.C. Baxter sets up webcam; Mr. Sheldrake becomes online sensation.

95. L.A. Confidential – Explicit DeVito-Bassinger sex scene; people would pay for that.

94. Snatch – More of Dennis Farina calling people “you big, bald fuck.”

93. Rashomon – So damn violent. Make it a comedy. With CGI puppets.

92. The Treasure Of The Sierra Madre – No more teasing; let’s see those stinkin’ badges already, dammit.

91. All About Eve – Seatbelts fastened. Let’s see entire bumpy night in a montage. Read more…

Day 300: It’s The Eurovision Song Contest Winners! Save Us All! (part 2)

According to my raven-haired mistress whom I call Ms. Wiki, there have been sixty top-prize winners in the Eurovision Song Contest since its 1956 debut. That’s fifty-seven years of winners, with an ugly four-way tie in 1969. Because today is Day 300 and I foolishly believe that history cares if I do something grand with such a plump, round number, I’ve decided to review each of the Eurovision winners.

If I’ve attached a video link, it’s worth checking out. If I haven’t, the song fails to live up to my standards of weirdness.


1956 – Lys Assia: “Refrain” (Switzerland): Okay. This would have gone over well with the Perry Como set. Pretty voice.

1957 – Corry Brokken: “Net als toen” (Netherlands): Ms. Brokken was gorgeous. The song, like the last one, is string-heavy and forgettable. I hope they aren’t all like this.

1958 – André Claveau: “Dors, mon amour” (France): Oi. Might be a pretty love song, but it’s putting me to sleep. All these songs are putting me to sleep.

1959 – Teddy Scholten: “Een beetje” (Netherlands): Classy. Teddy (a she-Teddy, not a he-Teddy) is singing in front of a windmill backdrop because she’s from the Netherlands. This one has some tempo though. Better than the first three.

1960 – Jacqueline Boyer: “Tom Pillbi” (France): Seriously? This was the best of the bunch? This is the kind of record a grandmother might play for her grandkids when they’d rather be listening to Elvis. Read more…