Yesterday I wrote an article using my iPhone as a research tool, as Wikipedia’s mobile app was the only facet of its English site that I could access. I’ll come right out and say it – it wasn’t easy. In honor of Wiki’s return to form today, I’m going to ride the Random Article button like it’s a stand-up coaster. The following selection of eighty-two haikus are each taken from a different article. Let’s see how many of them are based on soccer players or small towns in Poland.

 

Another player

Ol’ Wiki’s soccer fetish

Mike “Zico” Zeyer

 

Platypus ulcers!

Tasmanian death-fungus

Where’s the telethon?

 

Liam O’Malley

Soccer player for Mayo

Traded to Mustard.

 

Hey! Dois Vizinhos!

Industry town in Brazil:

Chicken processing.

 

A Czech-based think-tank.

How could I get hired for one?

Under-qualified.

 

David Clutterbuck:

Royal Navy; awesome name.

“Don’t fuck with the ‘buck!”

 

June Clark: jazz cornet.

Managed Sugar Ray Leonard.

Quit jazz for boxing.

 

Mayor of London

Boris: The Man With The Hair

Makes Trump look quite good.

How does this man not frighten children?

Mexican rock band

Wrote a song about the pope;

El Tri rawks the house.

 

Here’s Alan Haley:

Dentist and a ship-builder.

Pick a career man!

 

“My name is Luka,

I live on the second floor.”

Built for a haiku.

 

Ooh! Soccer again.

Igor tends goal; “In Soviet

Russia, goal tends you!”

 

Danity Kane sucks.

Reality show makes band?

Pre-fab poopy pop.

 

Fulgoraria:

It’s a genus of sea snails,

Sounds like a disease.

 

German exonyms:

They call towns what they want to.

Screw you, Latvia!

 

Heroes / Hobgoblins;

Trippy sci-fi poetry.

Who buys and reads this?

 

Stick ‘em in a box,

They entertain for six hours.

I would watch this show!

 

Book of the Fallen.

People love fantasy books,

No dough in humor.

 

Sir Duke! Not that one;

This one was a British knight.

Twenty-nine kids. Geez!

 

Ghost Hunters, the game.

For the Amstrad CPC.

What the hell is that?

 

Looks like…fun?

What’s an anti-joke?

“How to make a plumber cry?

Kill his family.”

 

English band The Strawbs

Went from bluegrass to glam-rock.

That’s a lengthy trip.

 

Anandamohan:

A college in West Bengal.

Scant few keg parties.

 

Economist Irv

Claimed the market would not crash

In ’29. Whoops.

 

Breathe,” the French dance song,

Called ‘deliciously silky’,

Sold some SUV’s.

 

Gerald FitzGerald;

I swear, that was a real guy.

No, really, it was.

 

Some constellations

Are no longer in real use.

Like this one, up there.

 

Cwmystwyth village

Should buy a vowel already.

Goddamn Welsh people.

 

Hildebrand, the ship,

German – survived the Great War.

Sunk 1919.

 

Here’s Sherpur College:

“…is one of the best college…”

They don’t teach grammar.

 

Jääsjärvi, the lake,

Has umlauts on all its A’s.

That’s a lot of dots.

 

Marcell Dareus

Plays DE for Buffalo.

Likes to hurt QBs.

 

Meet Jill Vialet:

A social entrepreneur

Nine kinds of awesome.

 

Moral turpitude:

Crimes with intent to cause harm,

Lewdness to murder.

 

Lloyd Douglas, writer,

Big star; first book at 50.

There’s hope for me yet.

 

North Side in Richmond:

Spacious homes, flowery parks;

I’d rather live there.

 

Samurai, board game,

About rice fields in Japan;

Made in Germany.

 

Hey, a jock named Jock!

Soccer (of course) for Scotland.

One of a zillion.

 

Ssaki (or Mammals):

Roman Polanski short film;

Godot on snow-sled.

 

Depressed? Take this pill!

Citalopram… it may cause:

Diarrhea. Worse?

 

Project 2-1-1:

Chinese college strategy.

They will conquer us.

 

Ayling took wickets!

I don’t understand cricket.

Likely never will.

 

Guy Dodson, York U.

Researched insulin’s structure,

Knew how to party.

 

Lebanese fast-food

Chain: Aladdin’s Eatery;

Soup and baklava!

It’s filo-icious!

Francis Sullivan

Double-chin and a deep voice;

Brit-turned-Yank actor.

 

Sceloporus Merr-

iami Longipuncta-

tus: It’s a lizard.

 

Blair House Agreement

Was a trade subsidy pact;

As dull as it sounds.

 

Belgian black metal!

Tetra Karcist by ‘Enthroned’!

Angry Euro-rock!

 

Viktor Viktrovych;

A Blake Edwards movie? No.

His dad runs Ukraine.

 

Haraipur village:

No pics, no stats, nothing cool.

It’s in India.

 

Trinidad soda!

Banana, pear and champagne;

Gotta try Cole Cold.

Why do we not have banana soda? Damn your limited scope, Fanta!

Another village:

Vecumnieki, Latvia.

Sounds like paradise.

 

Pilckem Ridge Battle:

Not quiet on the western front.

Allies win. Suck it.

 

Nineteen eighty-nine;

US Open Doubles win:

Navratilova.

 

Musicologist

Nowak re-wrote Requiem

Didn’t care for ‘Zep.

 

M. Kelly: poet;

Shut up when his wife died young.

He worked in Moose Jaw.

 

Kofsky was a prof,

Liked Marx, jazz, and avant-garde;

Was not part robot.

 

The voice of the Pooh;

Shelley was Winnie for Brits.

BBC actor.

 

And more soccer stars!

Arnold Kendall: Brit… winger…

Maybe part robot?

 

Really? The Band? Now?

They deserve a thousand words,

Not just a haiku.

 

Rubus, the berry,

Far-Eastern raspberries. Yum.

Numerous drupelets!

 

Singer from Thailand:

Chalermchaichareonkij

Must be show-biz name.

 

Rock Island: empty.

Nunavut – Arctic Ocean

Waste of a cool name.

 

Humboldt County road:

Route 2-9-4, Nevada.

Eight miles; no cool tales.

 

The Wiegand Effect:

 Wires, loops, security cards,

Magnetize, baby!

 

Pismo State Beach rocks.

Sun, surf, swimming, its own clam,

What more do you need?

 

Maqluba – odd dish.

Rice, eggplant, chicken or lamb

It’s served upside-down.

 

Hey! Zombie Lover!

A book too cool to exist!

Check out the jacket:

Hell yeah!

Santos was mayor.

A ‘World Mayor’ finalist.’

What the fuck is that?

 

Xu Yushi, chancellor

Served in the Tang Dynasty.

Orange. Delicious.

 

Porn site! Supercult.

Pre-Suicide-Girls geek-porn;

“Sexy French mime” shots?

 

Prince Marko: Serb king

Had a light beer named for him.

More than King Ralph got.

 

Depew, New York state;

Sounds like a kid’s ray-gun sound.

I bet they know that.

 

Central Belt, Scotland.

Highest population there.

Also called ‘Midlands’.

 

Kwamé, hip-hopper,

Calls himself ‘K-1 Million’

Bet no one else does.

 

Lebanon skiing?

In ’48 Olympics!

Didn’t win a thing.

 

A So-Cal store chain,

The Hong Kong Supermarket,

Find funky food there.

 

Math. Morton Number.

A dimensionless number.

No clue what this means.

 

Delaney’s Swamp Mouse;

Can be found in Uganda;

Maybe in a swamp.

 

The Foreign Exchange;

Not a bank; a hip-hop group.

An honest mistake.

 

Livermore Falls High;

Why the angry lumberjack?

Crazy-ass mascot.

Polish dramedy:

Usta Usta” – sounds like fun.

I’m finally done!